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My Love for Yeshua
OUR STORY
Why "Our" Story?
Well, these days "my" story doesn't exist without Yeshua (Jesus) being the lead... so it's "our" story. Even at the risk of sounding cheesy. I am NOT religious! I adore Yeshua, Our Heavenly Father, and our relationship and all He has done for me.... so this blog is all about that!
I am a mother of two amazing boys. I love them and the Lord with all my heart, and it is my goal in life to bring Him glory in all that I do. I am not perfect, nor do I pretend to be. I am not religious, but have a relationship. In the words of June Carter Cash, "I'm just trying to matter". ❤
After losing many loved ones to suicide, including my childhood friend and boyfriend (2002), and my husband and sons father (2015) I knew in my spirit it was time for me to do something. Out of deep grief, the Lord restored my soul and birthed in me a ministry.
MY BOOK
I actually have written a book as I was inspired by the Holy Spirit to do so. There are more details and miracles in that book you may purchase here. Proceeds from the sale of this book go to a Counseling Center with Licensed therapists for those who cannot afford counseling. Below are some cool stories of God's Goodness and Faithfulness!
FROM THE BEGINNING... well sort of
JOURNAL
I have felt for a long time that I needed to journal my experiences with the Lord, but have yet to take the time. Then in an amazing book, ‘Visioneering’ by Andy Stanley, I was told that it was imperative to do so… so here I go!
MY FIRST TIME HEARING FROM GOD
The first time I can remember having a serious “hearing from God” moment was when I was a senior and was in the process of planning my “life after high school.” When I was in middle school my mother had gone to a women’s retreat out in the woods of Hot Springs, AR, and learned about Brookhill Ranch Summer Camp. I attended the camp when I was in 7th grade and learned about their two-year college program, Applied Life Christian College. My mother had also learned of this college program when she attended the women’s retreat, and I’m sure had already begun praying for me to attend while I was still in middle school.
So back to my senior year of high school, praying and planning. I had the rare opportunity to attend the William Esper Studios (prestigious and hard to get into acting program in New York City), and was accepted via a phone interview with the William Esper himself after telling me how impressed he was with the letter I submitted. Needless to say (but I’ll say it anyway) I was on cloud nine. To fill you in, I was in LOVE with acting (and all things cinema) and of course New York City. Since I was 8 years old my heart beat for New York City, and for acting. So, as a 16 year old having to choose between the loves of my life (acting and NYC), and some tiny school in the woods that had nothing to do with acting… seemed like the choice was pretty clear.
However, something inside of me felt that there was an actual argument to be made for this tiny school in the woods. So I prayed… “Fine Lord, if You want me to go to this school … in the woods… then you will have to make it writing in the clouds clear to me. Like so clear I can’t deny it was You. Otherwise… I’m leaving for NYC as soon as I can!”
Then Benny Hinn comes to Little Rock. If I remember correctly my aunt was super into him at the time and probably forced my cousin and I to go. I may have wanted to go, but I honestly can’t remember. So we are there and I am pretty sure I called my mom or someone to come get me out of there. Then he calls all the youths to come down to the floor of the arena. I felt a burning in my chest like I was going to miss something if I didn’t go down. So I did. I’m down there packed in with thousands of other “youths” and this girl ( I didn’t know) in front of me turned around (out of thousands) and says to me “ I feel the Lord telling me to tell you that you are supposed to go to Applied Life Christian College in Hot Springs, AR. That’s where I go to school right now, and I feel that He is telling me you are supposed to come there as well.”
Are you kidding me? Seriously God? So I start balling, and she hugs me. Did I mention that I didn’t know her? Yet here I am sobbing in her arms for the longest few minutes of my life. Clearly, I couldn’t deny that. So I went to Applied Life Christian College (ALCC), this tiny little school in the woods. Which leads me to my first actual conversation with Jesus by myself.
FIRST CONVERSATION WITH YESHUA (JESUS)
On my 18th birthday, September 13th, 2002, I am at the first campout with ALCC. Out in the woods with the other students in my two-year program and a few leaders & teachers. It was pretty cool. The biggest part I can remember was when I went out to the woods by myself and started talking to Jesus. And the craziest thing… I got a response. First time. I was like “Woah. Is that You”?
It wasn’t an audible voice (I probably would have run back to camp screaming… I wasn’t ready for all that), but it was clear in my spirit it wasn’t me responding to myself. At this moment, I can’t remember exactly the conversation, but I know He was basically giving me the direction I was asking for. It was definitely not what I wanted to hear, but most certainly what I needed to do. I remember that much.
FIRST DEEP LOSS TO SUICIDE
Thomas Tansil Dillaha. My childhood friend who had become my boyfriend the summer after I graduated high school. We were inseparable. Undeniably strongly connected. We needed each other. He needed me, and I needed how much he needed me. He struggled with deep, dark anxiety. It appeared I was his source of peace. I loved that. I see now how that was unhealthy, but at 17 I lived for how he lived for me. I could help him. I could fix his problems. I could be there for him like no one else could. I did not take joy in his pain, I found joy in being able to heal his pain.
Clearly, I wasn’t healing anything. Only making it worse. That fall I made it even worse. I left for ALCC in September of 2002. We drove back and forth from Little Rock to see each other quite a few days a week. Which was not good for my focus on school or God. Finally, a few of my teachers pulled me aside to discuss this lack of focus. I explained to them my relationship with Thomas. They showed me how unhealthy it was and that I needed to pray about what to do.
I was not mature enough in my walk with the Lord to hear Him properly, but regardless I had decided that the only way I could focus on God and school was to end my relationship with Thomas. Well, I was 18 at this point… so… I did it over the phone like an inconsiderate, coward, idiot. I didn’t actually want to end it with him. I knew that if I did it in person I’d crumble. That’s not an excuse. That was my weak, teenage justification.
This took place in October of 2002. When I was home for Thanksgiving he called me. I didn’t answer. I thought I was being strong. Then when I was home for Christmas, on December 14th he called me. Frantic, “Summer, this is Thomas. Call me now”. That wasn’t like him. He was soft, and sweet, not demanding and stern. But again, I thought I was being strong.
Three days later I get another call. Only this one was from his sister. “I just thought you should know that Thomas killed himself today.” It felt like my heart stopped. Please, no. No. No. It was all my fault, I thought. How self-centered right… to think I had that much power over someone’s life. I was sure everyone thought it was my fault. Regardless of anything else that could have been going on in his life, I wasn’t there for him when he needed me most. I let him down. I failed him. All that time I was being “strong” I was just hiding. Being a coward.
That was my thought process. My mother panicked. Terrified I might be so distraught as to follow in his footsteps she called my lead pastor. He spoke to me on the phone for a while that night. I will never forget that. I don’t recall everything that he said, but I am sure it was meant to be encouraging. I’m also sure most of it went in one ear and out the other, but still to this day the gesture meant the world to me.
Then she called my best friend from high school, Kelly and my friend from ALCC, we’ll call him ‘Jay’ (to preserve his anonymity), and asked them to come over. We probably stayed up most of the night talking on the back deck of my parent’s house. I doubt I did much talking, but it was probably best that I wasn’t alone.
Losing Thomas to suicide, not just death, but choosing death… was life altering for me. I am sure much more for his family. I do not ever want anything I say or do to be taken as though I want attention for it, or enjoy the aftermath. That is not the case. The truth is he was important to me and from that point on I believed I didn’t deserve to be happy with anyone else because of what I did to him. How I deserted him in his time of need. Not that I could tell the future or could have known what was coming, but still. I held myself accountable. For many, many years to come.
I know this part is sad, and not much encouragement in it, but that will come later. This information is needed to understand the calling God has placed on my life!
THE first marriage
Remember the friend I called ‘Jay’ from ALCC, from the previous entry? He eventually became my boyfriend. December 13th, 2002. How do I remember that date so well? Well, that was the very last day of first semester at ALCC. The rule was you couldn’t date your first semester. So the moment the semester was over… Jay asked me to be his girlfriend. So of course, I said yes. Most of my life I believed that if a boy was attracted to me and I was attracted to him… it was meant to be. Well, in this case we were in the same Christian College… match made in heaven, right? Yeah, not so much. But that didn’t keep me from marrying him and having his child. Rebellious much? Details of our story are not needed for this specific journal, so I’ll keep it to a minimum. Long story short, we were married in April 2005, Aiden Julius was born November 2005, we separated in 2006, and were divorced by June 2007. I felt like a complete failure. Yet again.
I ran and hid from my church family in shame and guilt. Hid out at work and home. Spent all my time with my sweet baby Aiden. Basically, getting further and further from God. Even though I would still pray every night… “God, forgive me. Please keep up safe. I love you. I’m sorry.” That was about it. Sometimes I would drive back to Hot Springs to visit my church, Christian Ministries Church (affiliated with ALCC) and sit in the back with Aiden. A part of me knew it was where I was meant to be, but I listened to my shame instead.
So, I’m living the single mom life. Not much communication with Aiden’s father, if any. Work and home. Just me and Aiden. Then I get a phone call from Mr. John Allen Lynch Jr. I thought it was meant to be. We had gone our separate ways and ended up back in each other’s lives. Besides, I totally had a crush on him when I was younger… and now he wants to see me!!! Day… made!
We start dating November 2007. I immediately met his ex-wife and two children. Loved them. I think by the next spring break I was in Plymouth, Mass. meeting his family. I completely fell in love with them. Especially when I saw his dad with his wife. I knew then that I wanted to marry John Allen, and be a part of that family forever. They welcomed my Aiden like he was already a part of their family. They made us feel at home!
I adored John Allen Lynch Jr. We eventually were married in August of 2010, and had our baby boy, John Allen Lynch III in June of 2011. Our story is filled with ups and downs. We both made mistakes. Unfortunately, big enough to end our marriage by December of 2011. Secretly I hoped he’d fight for me. He did the best he could, but he was fighting demons of his own that I couldn’t fight for him. Even though I tried and wanted to. I was a mess myself. A total hot mess. Walking around in a fog of confusion and wallowing in a deep dark hole of self-pity and depression. We went back and forth for over a year.
johnny b' returns
TWO FAILED MARRIAGES
Here I am. Two divorces. Two boys. Two baby daddies. Like I said… a hot mess. I want to make it clear that I take full responsibility for my part in the failure of these relationships. There is no need for me to give a list of anyone’s short comings or mistakes that hurt me, because then I’d have to give a list of my short comings and how I hurt them.
I was in no position to marry anyone or have babies. I should have focused more on the Lord and sought Him for each decision I was to make. However, we can only play the shoulda, coulda, woulda game for so long. It doesn’t help anyone or anything. So, I will not be doing that any longer.
“And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose.” (Romans 8:28) I know that I love Him, and I knew from when I was a teenager that He called me according to His purpose… so my blessings even after being totally rebellious and defiant… Aiden Julius and John Allen Lynch III (Johnny).
"MOVE TO HOT SPRINGS", He says
We come to March of 2012. I am living at my parent’s house… again. With two kids. I need Jesus right now. My mom agrees to keep my boys and lets me go to one of those women’s retreats in Hot Springs. I am standing outside of the pavilion at the retreat, as I’m looking over the gorgeousness they call vespers, I felt the Lord say “You need to move here”. I totally thought that was just me, because I felt the most peace here.
I said, “Lord, if that is You please confirm it and make it so clear that I can’t deny it was You. You’ve done it before… please do it this time”. Later on, I walked back into the pavilion and within maybe an hour I had three people say to me… “If you lived here…”, “You should move here…”, “Can’t you see Aiden coming to our school here?”
I was thinking “Okay, Lord. I hear You.”. It was the “Can’t you see Aiden coming to our school here?” that pushed me over the edge. Not too long before that I had been crying in my bathroom in the middle of the night over where to send Aiden to school for first grade. He was about to be done with Kindergarten and I couldn’t really afford the place he was currently attending.
When he was a month old, Aiden was diagnosed with Urticaria Pigmentosa and Mastocytosis. In English… he had hives all over his body and a rare disorder of mast cells in his skin. Which means he had spots. All over. The kids he was currently going to school with were used to it, but if he were to go to a new school with new people they could possibly make fun of him. I had learned of so many young kids taking their lives because of bullying, and I was terrified to put Aiden in that situation.
Well the school in Hot Springs was Christian Ministries Academy… attached to the church I already felt was home. It was so small that I could get to know all the other children’s moms and approach them if any of their kids bullied my kid. However, that wasn’t necessary. Plus I had a close enough relationship with the principal and his wife that if I really needed to reach out to them I would feel comfortable doing so.
“Okay, Lord. If You really want me to move to Hot Springs from Little Rock I need You to provide financially. I need a place to live close to school, smaller car, day care for Johnny, someone to help me with the kids before and after school since I still will work in Little Rock (an hour drive morning and evening), and money for all of this!”
This was in March. I knew I heard Him so I moved forward in planning. I spoke to CMA’s principal to get Aiden enrolled in 1st grade for the coming fall. I told my family I was moving to the country while I still worked in Little Rock. I looked into places to live. All summer I worked toward moving to Hot Springs in the fall. It was a couple of weeks before Aiden was supposed to start 1st grade and I still needed a place to live (for $450 a month for three of us), day care, and a nanny ( I worked a lot). Oh, and the money to make it all happen.
It is 1 week before school starts and God connects me to the Erwin’s. Talk about divine connections in a one-stop-shop! The parent Erwin’s provided us with a place to live on their protected and safe property for almost $100 less a month than they had planned (to fit my budget), their oldest daughter provided me a full-time day care (actually Pre-school) for $250 less a month than I was already paying (30 seconds from our home), and their youngest daughter signed on to be our nanny for after school and when I had events! All in the same 1 hour visit to the Erwin’s home.
I mean… is that God or what? Oh, on top of all of that, He provided the funds to make all of this happen the WEEK before Aiden started 1st grade. Clearly, He wanted us to move to Hot Springs. It is the first time in my life that I have known I am right where I am supposed to be. I have a home church (Christian Ministries Church) and church family that I can call on any time I need, a school for my kids (Christian Ministries Academy) that is unlike any other I’ve ever come across and amazingly affordable, and irreplaceable mentors that equip and empower me on a regular basis.
Blast from the past
This guy has been an intricate part of my journey of growing in a closer relationship with the Lord and learning about my destiny. I grew up with Anthony from around 3rd grade on. We were all neighborhood friends with my siblings and some other kids from the neighborhood. Throughout the years, Anthony has come in and out of my life at divinely strategic moments (I am convinced of this).
One time that sticks out to me was in 2012 when his little sister graduated high school and invited me to the graduation. I was totally honored because I didn’t think that she remembered me. Afterward they invited me back to their house for a small reception. Anthony and I sat outside and he asked to pray for me… well of course I said yes! I never turn down prayer.
In the middle of praying for me he starts saying “Woah. Woah. You’re calling is HUGE!”. I was like what??? Seriously?? I had no idea at that moment. A few weeks later I went to a 48-hour film project and ended up walking out. I couldn’t believe the projects that were submitted. I was in the car driving home literally crying. The song “Break our hearts for what breaks Yours” came in my heart. I said “Lord, this industry is so messed up. It’s so gross. I can’t stand it. Why is this industry a desire of mine? Why have you called me to this industry? It is awful.”.
I heard Him clear as day, “ Then do something about it.”. I was shocked… “What? Who is going to listen to me? I’m just this nobody from Little Rock, Arkansas. Half the people of the world forgot this state exists. Most people don’t even know how to pronounce it. Who is going to listen to me?”. He said, “I’m asking YOU to do something about it.”.
My spirit exploded. My heart exploded. I wept. Anthony’s exclamation of how huge the calling on my life was, started coming into focus. It overwhelmed me, but at the same time I knew it wasn’t about me. I knew it wasn’t all on me. I was to partner with God on this. On what, you ask? Well. It’s going to sound nuts. But, so does most of the things God told people to do in the Bible so. Okay. I’ll tell you. Here goes. Deep breath. I am to partner with God on changing the entertainment industry. How? At that moment, I had no idea. He slowly lays out the plans over the next few years.
The next time Anthony and I spent time together was a few years later in December of 2014. We talked about Thomas and the experience of losing him to suicide when I was young. I shared with Anthony that to go from seeing Thomas everyday to never again was a devastating blow to my world. Desperately seeking a means to process the suffocating thoughts of my own mind, I began to write a script for a film to help me cope. I kept a record of seeing him in my dreams, walking in a crowd down the street, or even hearing his voice audibly. Those scenes played out in my mind like a movie over and over throughout the past 14 years. Out of fear, I tucked away the script holding my most vulnerable thoughts for years.
Anthony encouraged me to finish the script and get it out there because it could help others grieving from their losses, or even save those considering taking their life. Well, it just so turned out that the very next month, January of 2015, the man that was once the love of my life, my husband and sons’ father, John Allen Lynch II, took his life.
Again, I failed another love. I couldn’t save him. I didn’t fix his problems. I failed, again. Then as the grieving went on, and as I sought God it hit me. The larger purpose. The bigger picture. The calling on my life.
I knew then that it was time for me to do something! Out of deep grief my faith restored my soul and birthed in me a desire to make a difference. The Lord birthed in me a ministry.
And so it begins. I started writing. Everyday. All of the scenes from my past script and more and more as the Holy Spirit revealed them to me. Writing and writing and writing. It just flowed like never before. I would be driving down the street and had to pull over and write down the scene as it played out in my mind. Music inspired me the most. Sparked memories from my time with Thomas, and inspired creativity.
The film is not Thomas’ story. I do not feel that I have the right to tell it. It’s part of my story, but not per say. Not exactly how it played out. It’s a piece of creative writing. I feel that needs to be clarified.
Around 6 years prior to this moment, God divinely connected me to Hollywood Director, Tom Logan, at the International Modeling and Talent Association (IMTA) Convention in NYC. We connected immediately and he then started a routine of flying into Little Rock to teach our students at Excel Academy for Acting – for Film & Television what directors are looking for in working with actors.
(Side note: My mother started Excel Models and Talent ~ a Christian Modeling and Acting School ~ in Little Rock, AR when I was 2 years old {Oct. 1986}. I started acting at 8 years old {1993} [& went to IMTA in NYC for the first time {summer of 1994}], working at Excel when I was 13 {summer of 1998} by helping mom with paperwork and taking teams of actors and models to meet agents in NY and LA at IMTA, and by 20 years old {summer of 2005} I was taking teams of actors and models to NY and LA myself. I have been to NYC every summer (and more) since 1994… hence how my deep love for NYC grew. I attending IMTA until God told me to change my focus {December of 2015}, but I’m getting ahead of myself.)
this too shall pass film
Back to Tom Logan. Since Tom loved me so much 😊 he looked over my script as a favor to me. Probably thinking it was not going to be that great… well, he loved it! Especially the mission behind it! He signed on to be the director of my film, and spent hours and hours (donating his time) going over every aspect of the script to get it film ready. That was an exciting time. That’s the Holy Spirit at work! And the favor of God! Looking back, it is so cool to realize that when God divinely connected us all those years ago He knew this moment was coming.
These moments that were divinely orchestrated for a larger eternal, kingdom purpose makes all of this makes sense. They make the pain and agony of loss and hopelessness not in vain. Knowing that others might be saved by sharing our stories restores the hope that was once lost.
For more information about the film and how you can be a part of the filming process click HERE.
Around December of 2015, after leaving EXCEL, I felt the Lord pushing me to contact Mimi Murguia and tell her about what the Lord was doing. See, a few years earlier Mimi and I had sat down to coffee to discuss IMTA, but we ended up discussing the vision I felt the Lord was calling me to, to make a difference in the entertainment industry through films, and television shows that were entertaining and good quality that still glorified the Lord!
She expressed in an interest in being a part of that and told me to let her know when I started. So that’s what I thought I was doing by calling her. Turned out she told her friend, Gideon Garcia (who I had known from Excel years earlier as well) all that I had shared with her, but at this time I had no idea yet. Mimi’s father is the pastor of the Nueva Esperanza Church in Glenwood, AR and Gideon is the pastor’s right hand man!
The next month, January 2016, I felt the Lord pushing me to go to my brother, Daniel Moody, and write a song for the film. Somewhat of a theme song. I sat down with him and explained to him how it felt loosing Thomas to suicide when I was a teenager. He started with a gorgeous melody and eventually breathtaking lyrics. (It was shake-n-bake and I helped! – younger generations may not get that joke 😊) We had this beautiful song “Follow” and I wasn’t quite sure what to do with it yet.
NUEVA ESPERANZA
The next month, February 2016, I felt the Lord pushing me to create a music video for the song, but I couldn’t get a clear vision for it. I had reached out to some talented people I had worked with before, and they got back to me right away and wanted to work on the project with me, but something in my gut was telling me ‘not them’. (uhhum – the Holy Spirit)
Then Gideon Garcia’s birthday announcement popped up on my Facebook so I said “Happy Birthday. What are you up to these days?” or something to that affect. Most people just say, “Oh, just work and school. You?”, but Gideon sends me an email telling me how he was making music videos for the church and school and sent me an example of a video he had recently done. Which was spectacular by the way. WOW. Turns out, Mimi had shared with Gideon God’s calling on my life which is why he felt the need to share. But he had no idea about the song or music video, because I hadn’t known about it yet when I had spoken to Mimi back in December.
I tell Gideon about the song and video and this was totally God that he emailed me all of this. Long story short, Gideon directed the video and got his talented friend Julio Zavala to film and edit it, as well as Oscar Sauceda to do all of the sets and lighting design. Plus, I had my girl lead, the precious and gorgeous and talented Laura Zepeda, but I needed a guy lead to play a very intense role… oh no problem, their friend & Mimi’s brother, Abraham Murguia was perfect and willing. This guy was spot on amazing and exactly what was needed for this role! They were amazingly professional, reliable, and insanely talented. Gideon took scenes from the script I wrote for the film, and brought them to life. My close friend, Victoria Henley, took care of wardrobe and was my right hand woman throughout the entire process. I am overwhelmed by God’s favor and divine connections.
You can watch the Music Video HERE.
LAURA SOFIA ZEPEDA
How do I even explain this girl? Well, she is a lady now. I met Laura in 2014 at Excel, as I met most people I have known. I was coaching the beginning acting class and Laura got up to read lines with another actor, and my jaw dropped to the floor. Who is this girl, I thought? She MUST go to IMTA. So we met in my office shortly after class and turns out that she was pretty serious about acting and wanted to make a career out of it.
I thought to myself, well that’s good because you could! She signed on to go with me to NYC that summer to attend IMTA. After her ticket was purchased her parents had to move to a different state. If she was to move with them she would miss important classes and meetings in preparation for IMTA and may not be able to attend at all.
I couldn’t imagine her missing this opportunity so I offered she stay with me, help me take care of my boys during the summer in exchange for staying in my hotel room in NYC and her parents agreed! Well, she became a part of our family. I had never had anyone live with me before, and she was the perfect one to try that out on. We may have driven her nuts, but, she was perfect for us! The boys consider her their sister, and I most certainly consider her my daughter.
At IMTA she had many agents interested in her and received a large scholarship to the New York Film Academy (NYFA). Solidifying what I already knew. This girl has talent! But, sadly, after IMTA was over she had to return to her parents and I felt like I lost a daughter. It hit me so hard which was crazy to me. I’ve only known this girl a few months, of course most of those months she lived with me, but still. How did I love her so much already?
Well, we kept in touch over the next year, and I pretty much begged her to come with me to NYC again the following summer {2015}. New York City just isn’t New York City without her anymore, and the boys agree with me. That happened to be my last IMTA trip. That was the summer I was writing my script. She was there with me through the entire process. Laura would read what I wrote a loud to me and it came alive for the first time outside of my own imagination.
The following May of 2016 she came back to Arkansas, traveled on a big smelly bus for 6+ hours to come shoot the “Follow” Music Video for free. Trust me, when it was over, we didn’t want to let her go. I prayed and prayed for the Lord to somehow provide for us to go to NYC summer of 2016 even though I didn’t have a job to pay for it this time. Aiden had received a scholarship to NYFA, and I wanted him to have that opportunity. Plus of course we wanted to go back to NYC, with Laura!
Long story short (again) He provided (again). He made it happen even though we were already believing in Him to meet our every need. I felt the Lord say, “Your Heavenly Father delights in your delight”. He pointed out to me in the word where He says in Matthew 7:8-11New International Version (NIV) 8 “For everyone who asks receives; the one who seeks finds; and to the one who knocks, the door will be opened. 9 “Which of you, if your son asks for bread, will give him a stone? 10 Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a snake? 11 If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him!”
He made me see how much I wanted this opportunity for Aiden was just as much as He wanted this opportunity for me. I could go on about Laura for days. This lady is talented & beautiful, yes, but even more precious, thoughtful, caring & loving! I adore her, and thank God for her often!
September... a change is coming
That is what I felt the Lord tell me after John passed. I knew something was going to happen in September {2015}, I just didn’t know what. I started to make changes to EXCEL's programs thinking that might be what. Nope. Not that. Then September comes. One night I am lying in bed and as I’m drifting off to sleep the Lord clearly tells me, “EXCEL is not your source, I am your source. EXCEL is not your vision. It is your mother’s vision.”. He then made it clear to me that I was to leave EXCEL in the coming December {2015}.
This was a huge deal. I had worked for my mother’s company my entire life. To leave would feel like I was abandoning her. Well that was until I heard the Lord say it was time for me to leave. One minute before He released me of my duties at EXCEL no one could have convinced me to leave. But at that moment I knew. In December, my life was going to change.
Telling my mother, however, was an entirely different obstacle to overcome. I was terrified that I was going to hurt her. BUT I knew that I knew that I knew what God had told me. So I prayed for God to prepare her heart for the news, and that's exactly what He did. She was excited for me and was excited to see what God had for her next. That was the power of the Holy Spirit!
DECEMBER... now what
When December came, God provided like He promised. He not only told me to leave the place I had worked much of my life, but He also told me not to get another job. I was to focus on Him, the film and what was soon to become a full-on ministry. Throughout this journey of not having a steady stream of income (from a job), I see why He told me not to get another job.
He wanted me to build a stronger relationship with Him, and He knew… the way I work… I’m all in. So, it is hard to manage work, home and Him. He wanted my attention full time, and He provided so that I could oblige. I needed that time to get ready for what He had for me to do. This specific approach may not be for everyone. I guess I'm so hardheaded that I needed to learn the hard way. I needed to be all in with Him before I can balance a job as well. He teaches us each individually the way we need to learn. Because HE loves us.
He also wanted me to be a full-time mom. I worked so much I was gone a lot! Way too much, and I was sacrificing my relationship with my children because of it. That’s totally common as a single mom, but God wanted me to change that…and I was happy to. I have been given so much joy and fulfillment through my sweet boys! And I am reaping the rewards of the quality time sown. Again, this is my story, I am not passing judgement on single moms who work a lot! I get it! This is just my specific story. He speaks differently through all of us, this is just my message.
I personally feel that the biggest lesson to learn for me was that He knew I needed to HAVE TO fully rely on Him for EVERYTHING, 100 %, to realize how much I do actually need Him on a daily basis; for much more than just funds. I needed a JOLT. A reality check, if you will. When a problem arises I’m quick to figure it out on my own. I am used to automatically doing whatever needs to be done to fix problems. Even to the detriment of our relationship. For Him to be able to trust me with such a large vision… He had to JOLT me out of that life and into a life of 100% reliance and dependence on Him for EVERYTHING. Literally, everything.
UNExpected blessings
Throughout this journey of relying on God for my every need, especially financially there were so many unexpected blessings... left and right.
Here are a few ...
Jerome and Anna: $450 sent to me from Connecticut the first time I questioned myself about hearing the Lord and not working: “The Lord wants you to know that you are on the right path.”
MeLisa: One Sunday I come to church, out of money, “Can I get a job now, Lord?” MeLisa comes up to me after church with a check “You can’t say no, and you can’t not take it because the Lord told me to give you this!”
Bananas: One day I’m sitting on my couch running low on food with no money to get more. I said, “Lord, I just want a banana.” Knock Knock Knock. My neighbor is at my door, “ I just thought you might want these bananas.” 😲 NO Joke!
Andrea: I had hit a low point. Even after all the times the Lord provided for me. I was sitting in my apartment and crying wondering how much longer I was to endure this. (comical) My neighbor, Andrea, brought me water (which at that point was greatly needed) cash, a gift card to Walmart and precious prayer time that was hugely appreciated and needed. She has prayed for me many times, and each times was instrumental in my walk with the Lord!
Kern: So, I’m late on my rent by two months. I am stressing. Thinking Kern is thinking I’d better get a job and pay him what I owe him. God told me to trust Him and not get a job, that He would provide, but I had to trust Him. Finally enough comes in to pay the past two months rent (which was a blessing but I HATE being late!!!) I had some people tell me “God doesn’t pay His bills late, so you clearly aren’t hearing from the Lord on not working.” So that got in my head. I went to the bank to pull out the cash to pay Kern, and some other things had gone through my account in large portions that didn’t have my permission to be processed and it stressed me out even more. I pull up to my apartment and Kern is there working on another unit. I’m thinking “Great. Here we go. He’s going to tell me how irresponsible this is and how I better get a job and not be late again.” So I get out of the car, give him the cash and tell him I’m sorry for being late and then (stupidly) go into complaining about the issues with my accounts. Does he rebuke me? Does he lecture me about being late or irresponsible like I assumed? NOPE. He encourages me. Uplifts me. And then asks me who is paying for my kids tuition at the school? “Well, someone anonymously sponsored Aiden, (ummm hello blessing I forgot about), but I am trying to pay for Johnny’s tuition but I’m way behind and owe a lot!” So he then proceeds to tell me about how proud he is of me choosing to bring my boys to this school, putting them in a safe environment and seeking the Lord for our lives and that he is going to go pay off Johnny’s tuition… all that I owe and the rest of the year! Paid. WOW!
“Huneds”: I have found $100 dollar bills many times. In my Bible. In my house. In my car. Just insane.
Food, food and food galore: I have been given so much food… beyond what the boys and I could eat. I have had more joy being able to distribute that food to my parents (who fed me the majority of my life) friends and neighbors, than I could have ever thought possible.
tom geppert
How do I even explain Tom? Well, I was sitting in the coffee shop by my house one day and this guy is in there talking about the Glory of God to some random people and to everything he said my spirit said YES! And I thought to myself… I want him to come talk to me. Low and behold… he did. Shocker. The same day we meet for the first time he prayers for me and delivers me from an evil spirit. I felt the sucker leave my body. It was like my back was covered in Icy Hot or Bio-freeze all of a sudden… he commands it to leave and BOOM all in the same second the tingling was GONE. Such an amazing feeling.
Then he introduced me to his wife and when she prayed for me… I felt a genuine concern for me and my boys from a person I just met. That was something I had never experienced before. They have both been there for me as mentors and shared many words from the Lord for me that have ended up saving my life! As well as oodles and oodles of food and prayer!
oaks of righteousness... Far More Productions Prophecy
Not long after meeting Tom Geppert he called me with a word. He was walking in his backyard and heard the Lord tell him to look down. He saw a perfect acorn and the Lord instructed him to pick it up and bring it to me with this word.
“Like this acorn is Far More Productions. When planted and nurtured Far More Productions will grow into a MIGHTY OAK hovering over the community that will provide shelter, comfort, and the love of Christ for God’s children.”
I cherished that word in privacy for a year. I placed the acorn in a protective box out of reach from children. 😊 Around a year later, my mother and ministry partner joined me in praying circles around the future Far More Productions building. One day my mother was walking and praying by herself. She was done and ready to go back to her car when the Lord told her to go back to the front door. Then He told her to look down, and there lay 7 little acorns. He informed her to gather them all and gave her the exact same word that Tom had given me a year earlier! The best part is my mother did not know the word Tom had given me the year before! While watching Bill Johnson, from Bethel Church in Redding, CA, one Sunday morning with my mother, he talked about Isaiah 61. For us to become Oaks of Righteousness is the goal of the Lord, to heal the broken people of the world. Our discipleship program is called Oaks of Righteousness !
We have walked around this building a prayed and prayed many times. But that was many years ago, and while I have never given up hope for that building I have gotten busy with life again. The other day, September 3rd, 2021, I went for a walk by my house and in the road, on my path, I would have had to step over it or on it, was a perfect, rather large (in my opinion), acorn. It has reignited in me the passion to pray for that building again. God has a plan and purpose for Far More that is bigger than me. I need help!!! If you would like to help in any way, reach out to me and let me know! In any capacity!
